Friday, January 23, 2009

Missing You.........

Mom, Me, and one of my brothers

Mom, me, and my 2nd mom

I cant believe were the time has gone? It's been a year already and it still feels like yesterday when i got that dreadful call. I will never forget it was about 3:30am and the phone rang, I answered only to hear Billy's voice shaking with fear, and crying like Ive never heard him before. " Sis, I'm so sorry to tell you this, but mom died!!" What was the first thought in my head?!?!
I had just spoken to you that night on the phone when I got home from work. You were laughing and joking around talking about, " When you and my son in law gonna get married, I need some grand kids!!" Then you said, " Miranda, I'm so proud of the woman you have become. I know I wasn't always there for you like I should've been, but you were blessed with Elaine and Spencer. they have taught you to be an even better woman than I ever could have been. You and your brothers have always been the joy in my life and I will always love y'all. But you are my baby and my only girl, and you have a gift inside of you that you haven't even acknowledged yet. The whole world will be blessed once you realize what it is."
Then You went off for x-rays, and the last time i heard your voice was you saying, " I love you stank, with all my heart forever and always." I still hear those words ringing in my mind and in my heart. It was so hard at first trying to get over the loss of you because a few month after it was like Bam! Grandad passed then not too long after uncle David passed.
Slowly but surly it has gotten easier. All the tears, panic attacks, sad moments, bad dreams are slowly fading away. I know it will always be there and I will never forget but it is easier to cope with it alot more. I must say that I truly have the best family and friends in the world. Going through this tough time it truly showed me who was really in my corner and who truly love me. It also showed the fake and the phony as well.
I will say that i still miss you terribly but i understand i cant be selfish. The lord knew what he was doing when he took the 3 of you from us. He was letting yal get the rest yal deserved because your work here on earth was done and he felt yal completed journey that he had laid out for yal since birth.
And i want to say thank you for putting Elaine and Spencer in my life. without those to who knows where i would be? they have always accepted me like i was there own and nothing less. the have given me all the love, support, and dedication that any child could ask for. and even though I'm grown and on my own they still provide me with all those things and more!!
I love you mom and nothing will ever change that! No matter if you were there for us or not, you still showed me the type of woman i wanted to be. I always said i had the best of both worlds when it comes to living. Ive seen the bad and ive lived the good. I believe that's why I'm able to related to all kinds of people from both sides of the track.
i believe I'm understanding that gift that you were speaking of? I'm actually in the midst of another degree and also on the verge of starting some organizations and other business ventures. I saw one of your clients the other day that you use to council, she broke down in tears and just hugged me. " You look so much like your mother its crazy!" I actually was invited to go and speak at the faith mission where you use to work to some the to teenage girls who went through what I went through when you were battling your demons.
Mom, I love you with all my heart and soul and i always will. continue to keep your arms wrapped around the family so the good blessing will continue to bless us. 4 you will always be in my mind and always wrapped around my soul.

Love Always,
Miranda Marie

Sidebar: The pics above are from the day of my senior prom. Even though I have plenty of other pics, I choose those because my mom always said I looked like I was going to my wedding instead of a So since she will not be able to be with me on my wedding day, i figured this was the next best thing!!;o)


Miss.Fortune said...

aw man!
im really sorry to hear this but ur a strong beautiful woman and the only thing to do from here on out is to move forward! she is proud of everything u are about and doing with ur life..just continue to make her proud...
the one thing everybody is promised on this world is we have to live our lives to the fullest.sorry for ur strong mama

deeteezy said...

wow. I don't know how you feel exactly, but my mom has lost both of her parents in horrible ways. so its just terrible. Seeing her go through it, I can just imagine, but things will get better indeed. Everything happens for a reason, and it never makes sense to us, and its hard, but people always think and think up questions, they'll never get answers too. I hope that doesn't happen to you. Don't worry I'll be here to smack ya outta it. And your mommy was beautifullll.

abw711 said...

This was deep. Whats up Ran, I don't know if you know this, but my wife lost her father and mother. The only person she has in her life is her Grandmother. So I kinda know what you are talking about and how much it hurts because you miss her. I tell my wife all the time, I don't know how she done it, but she continue to do it everyday. Just promise us that you will continue to remember the good memories and smile because she is definitely watching and looking out for you in heaven. Take care.

Keith said...

Hi Ran, I know what you're going through. My Mom died last year too.
A day doesn't go by that I don't think about her.

Miss.Stefanie said...

I am so sorry about your loss Ran. Mothers can never be replaced but I'd like to thin they have a better view now and are sitting up on clouds with God laughing away. My prayers and thoughts are with you mamas

Peggy M. said...

I can only imagine what you're going through.

Stay strong. God doesn't bring you to something he doesn't think you'd be able to handle, which is probably why I haven't had something like this happen to me yet.

Unfortunately, I amnot one of those "strong" people... I don't know what I'd do if I ever...

Ran said...

@ Miss Forturne: Thanks for those kind encouraging words. Thanks mama!

@Deeteezy: Aww I know you'll be there to get me back into shape! luvs ya chica!

@abw711:aww Pooh I never knew that about your wife? Im sorry to hear that but im sure shes strong and she has great love and support around her! Tell her I said hello! its been awhile since weve seen each other:o( Im hope shes doin well and that goes for you too!!

@Keith: I remember yu saying that. My prayers and thoughts are with you as well. its hard but it does get easier. They are both probably up there laughin, dancin, and watchin over us!!;o)

@My Stephy!! Thanks mamas! Yes i think the same thing! Im sure shes haveing a MAJOR party up there!! And Im still blessed because I have a godmom who has been there for me just as much as my mother and sometimes even more. It hurts just the same, but im still bleesed to have had 2 great women to call mom;o) Luvs ya!!

@Peggy M: You are so right!! My minister was just preaching about that and im a firm believer of that. Thanks for your kind words;o)